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Fname

Carol DeGeneres

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Jeffy

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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. -Rita Rudner I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, ""I'd like some fries."" The girl at the counter said, ""Would you like some fries with that?"" -Jay Leno The second day of a diet is always easier than the first: By the second day you're off it. -Jackie Gleason Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -Red Buttons I date this girl for two years-and then the nagging starts: ""I wanna know your name."" -Mike Binder Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. -Stephen Leacock (Driving) Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -George Carlin You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today, and we don't know where the hell she is. -Ellen DeGeneres I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. -Sue Kolinsky The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -Roger Simon You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax- tomorrow you'll be too afraid to cough. -Pearl Williams Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. -William Coronel Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -Johnny Carson I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -Dave Edison It's not hard to tell we was poor-when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. -George Lindsey If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -George Gobel Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face, it gets mad at you? But when you take it in a car, it sticks its head out the window. -Steve Bluestone Never moon a werewolf. -Mike Binder

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