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You have earrings in places that don't have lobes. You use organic fertilizer but get mad when your neighbor's dog poops in your yard. They greet you by name at Sam's Club. You feel sorry for the goalie when your kid scores in soccer. You think ""safe sex"" means tying back your ponytail. You were ashamed when your baby sitter caught your son coloring inside the lines. You think ""integrity"" is a new foreign car model. You say the Bible is a crutch for the uneducated. You think the money in my pocket is for you to give away. You wonder what's in the minds of those who go to church each Sunday. You still believe in Tinkerbell, the Tooth Fairy and Ted Kennedy. You have ever chained yourself to anything or spent a night in a cardboard box. You take Anita Hill's comments about Clarence Thomas as the gospel truth but call Paula Jones ""a liar with an agenda."" You spend $2 for a roll of earth-friendly toilet paper. You love the spotted owl but have never seen one. You believe a teen-ager after having sex should be able to have an abortion but not a cigarette. You praise public education but send your kids to private schools. You think no one is ""bad,"" just ""misunderstood."" You would vote for Jimmy Carter for president again because he's done such a good job running Habitat for Humanity. You think having a picture of Jesus on school property is dangerous, but having a condom machine is not. Your innermost fear is that there might be an omniscient superior being other than yourself. You dream of the day when you'll earn enough to be a conservative. You think the only absolute in life is vodka. You regard luxury cars as personal excess but spend $800 for a bike and $200 for rollerblades.

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