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Jokes Jokes Jolly Holiday humor Halloween Tips
It's never too early to practice these Halloween safe tips.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead. It isn't.
2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement or attic, especially if the power is out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language that they should not know, shoot them immediately. Shooting them will save you much grief in the long run; however, it will take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This tip also applies to anyone who speaks with someone else's voice, or anyone whose head spins around on their shoulders.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This rule also applies to any other house of the dead.
8. If you are searching for something that caused a loud noise and find out that it was just the cat, get the hell out. Expeditiously.
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits. Again, get the hell out.
10. Do not take anything from the dead. No matter how much you like it, it's bound to disagree with you sooner or later.
11. If you find a town that looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. When trying to drive away from a monster, keep in mind that it will take at least two minutes to get the key in the ignition and start the motor (if it starts at all).
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice--more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination with blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Haddonfield, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, and any small town in Maine, Maryland, and Massachusetts (especially Salem).
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to use the telephone. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself in the head. You are going to die anyway and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, axes, hedge trimmers, meat cleavers, and ice picks.
18. If you discover that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to shoot yourself or to move in with the in-laws (whichever is worse). This rule also applies to previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion.
19. If someone keeps calling you on the phone don't keep asking where they are or who they are or how they know, just get the hell out of there.
Happy Halloween!
Jokes Jokes Jolly Holiday humor Halloween Tips
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