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""How to Sing the Blues""
by Lame Mango Washington
1. Most Blues begin, ""Woke up this morning.""
2. A blues song shouldn't be about somethin' that makes y'all grin. ""I got a good woman,"" is a bad way to begin the Blues 'less you stick somethin' nasty in the next line: ""I got a good woman - with the meanest face in town.""
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: ""Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound.""
4. The Blues are not about limitless choice. You stuck in a ditch. You stuck in a ditch ain't no way out.
5. Blues Cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMW's, or SUV's. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, ""adulthood"" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Queens or Brooklyn. Hard times in South Dakota or Vermont is just seasonal affective disorder. Chicago, St. Louis, New Orleans, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing ain't the Blues. Breaking your leg cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. taupe
b. beige
c. mauve
10. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit behind the dumpster.
11. Good places for the Blues:
Highway
Alley
Jailhouse
Empty bed
Bottom of a whiskey glass
12. Bad places for the Blues:
Malls
Gallery openings
Ivy league institutions
Golf courses
Hawaii
13. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit. Unless you happen to be an old black man...and you slept in it.
14. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
Your first name is a southern state like Mississippi
You older than dirt
You blind
You shot a man in Memphis
You can't be satisfied
No, if:
You got all yo' teeth
You were once blind but now you can see
You have a retirement plan or trust fund
You won the lottery
The man in Memphis lived
15. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also get the Blues.
16. If you ask for water and yo' baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable drinks are:
Mad Dog
Thunderbird
Whiskey or bourbon
Muddy water
Black coffee
17. The following are not Blues beverages:
Cocktails
Kosher wine
Snapple
Sparkling water
Diet Coke
Ginger Ale
Chocolate YooHoo
18. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during yoga or
getting liposuction.
19. Some Blues names for women:
Sadie
Big Mama
Bessie
Fat River Dumpling
Caledonia
20. Some Blues names for men:
Joe
Willie
Little Willie
Big Willie
Leroy
Lightnin'
21. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Amber, Tiffani, Brooke and Heather best give the blues a rest no matter how many men they shoot in
Memphis.
22. Neither Barbara Streisand nor Michael Bolton nor any contestant from American Idol can sing the blues.
23. Make Your Own Blues Name starter kit:
Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
Plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Cherry, Melon, etc.)
Plus last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Cherry Johnson, etc.
24. I don't care how tragic your life, if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or shotgun. Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care.
25. Hey there, you be READIN'! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the Blues ain't never had much a chance fo' education. In the Blues... the three R's stand for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab.
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