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Bar Jokes V

Fname

Derrick

Owner

Jeffy

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Visited

Rating Category

Adult

Item Size

long

Rating

0 vote

Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the guy with the Doberman said to his friend, ""Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."" The guy with the Chihuahua said, ""We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."" The one with the Doberman said, ""Just follow my lead."" They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. The bouncer at the door said, ""Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."" The man with the Doberman said, ""You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."" The bouncer said, ""A Doberman pinscher?"" The man said, ""Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."" The bouncer said, ""OK then, come on in."" The buddy with the Chihuahua figured he'd try it too so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk into the bar. He knew his story would be a bit more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, ""Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."" The man with the Chihuahua said, ""You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."" The bouncer said, ""A Chihuahua?"" The man with the Chihuahua said, ""A Chihuahua?!? A Chihuahua?!? They gave me a damn Chihuahua???"" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunk's glass. The drunk yells, ""Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?"" The organ grinder replies, ""No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and I'll pick it up from there."" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, ""I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks."" Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, ""Tom, take a look at this."" Tom says, ""Not now, I'm busy."" Jack says, ""I really think you should have a look."" Tom says, ""Asshole, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand."" Jack says, ""Please, Tom, take a look."" Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, ""Fuck! We're gonna be millionaires!"" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. Another man is walking by and the man who was thrown out stops him. He says hey I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ. The man walking by laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The man claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and I'll prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the man he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here. The man walking by looks amazed and pays the man his 500 dollars. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, ""We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."" The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, ""We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."" The bear, very angry now, says, ""If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."" The bartender says, ""Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."" The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, ""Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."" The bear says, ""I'm NOT on drugs."" Te bartender says, ""You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two guys were at a bar arguing with their friend who was a midget. Sudden out of nowhere, the Pope walks into the bar! ""Oh my god its the pope "" they all say at once ""the midget says to the guys 'That's it I'm going ask him."" So he walks up to the Pope and asks ""Sir, are there midget nuns in America?"", ""No, no, no."" says the Pope ""Are there midget nuns in the entire world?"" ""No, no, no."" says the Pope ""Are there even such things as midget nuns?"" ""No, no, no."" says the Pope. His friends burst out chanting, ""Joe screwed a penguin, Joe screwed a penguin..."" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him ""What do you want to drink sir?"" The customer points out to a guy laying on the floor and replies ""Whatever that guy was drinking.""

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