Directory

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

Fname

Jeffy

Owner

Jeffy

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Rating Category

Clean

Item Size

long

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SYMPTOMS, CAUSES & CORRECTIVE ACTIONS SYMPTOM Feet cold and wet CAUSE Glass Being held at incorrect angle. CORRECTIVE ACTION Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling SYMPTOM Feet warm and wet CAUSE Improper Bladder Control CORRECTIVE ACTION Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training SYMPTOM Beer unusually pale and tasteless CAUSE a. Glass empty. b. You're holding a Coors Lite CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights CAUSE You have fallen over backward. CORRECTIVE ACTION Have yourself leashed to bar SYMPTOM Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes CAUSE You have fallen forward CORRECTIVE ACTION See above SYMPTOM Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet CAUSE a. Mouth not open b. Glass applied to wrong part of face CORRECTIVE ACTION Retire to restroom, practice in mirror SYMPTOM Floor Blurred CAUSE You are looking through bottom of empty glass CORRECTIVE ACTION Get someone to buy you another beer SYMPTOM Floor moving CAUSE You are being carried out CORRECTIVE ACTION Find out if you are being taken to another bar SYMPTOM Room seems unusually dark CAUSE Bar has closed CORRECTIVE ACTION Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run SYMPTOM Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures CAUSE Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations CORRECTIVE ACTION Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside SYMPTOM Everyone looks up to you and smiles CAUSE You are dancing on the table CORRECTIVE ACTION Fall on someone cushy-looking SYMPTOM Beer is crystal-clear CAUSE It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up CORRECTIVE ACTION Punch him SYMPTOM People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup CAUSE You're in the ladies' room CORRECTIVE ACTION Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall. Try to get phone numbers (optional) SYMPTOM Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear CAUSE You have been in a fight CORRECTIVE ACTION Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them SYMPTOM Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in CAUSE You've wandered into the wrong party CORRECTIVE ACTION See if they have free beer SYMPTOM Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next to your bunk CAUSE a. You're in jail b. You're in the navy CORRECTIVE ACTION Sleep it off, you can always get out tomorrow. Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach SYMPTOM You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps CAUSE You're in a gay bar CORRECTIVE ACTION Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs SYMPTOM Your singing sounds distorted CAUSE The beer is too weak CORRECTIVE ACTION Have more beer until your voice improves SYMPTOM Don't remember the words to the song CAUSE Beer is just right CORRECTIVE ACTION Play air guitar

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