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Random Thoughts & odd musings
Random thoughts in the style of Jack handy deep thoughts. Aimless insights, diatribes & discourse. From rants to raves, babble, essays to the limits of your imagination, quotes, weird thoughts, feelings & more, Post your musings here!
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OLD, BUT TRUE Featured
An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." All the females in th ...
Random Thoughts - a definite maybe
* ""Give me a couple of years and I'll make that actress an overnight success."" * ""I don't care if it (his new picture) doesn't make a nickel. I just want every man woman and child in America to see it."" * ""I'm willing to admit that I may ...
Brightness
If light travels faster than sound, is that why we think some people are bright before they open their mouths?
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 1
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. ...
If They Were Married...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra. If Cat Stevens married Snoop ...
7 Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island
The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island Theory The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island Theory is quite simple. Each of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly sins. Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspect ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 2
I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the s ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 3
I'd rather be rich than stupid. If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." If you define cowardice as ru ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 4
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has sev ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 5
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in t ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 6
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks. If you ever reach total enlightenme ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 7
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody e ...
Jack Handy Deep thoughts 8
I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick sai ...
Statements to Remember and Use
Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, perseverance, and a lot of other things you wouldn't need if you'd stayed single! Tactful husband who forgot: ""But, Dear, how can you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any olde ...
How True It Is...
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
What State Mottos SHOULD Be:
Alabama: At Least We're Not Mississippi Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong! Arizona: Dehyd-rific! Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthang California: As Seen on TV Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only ...
Top 50 Oxymorons
50. Act naturally 49. Found missing 48. Resident alien 47. Advanced basic 46. Genuine imitation 45. Airline food 44. Good grief 43. Same difference 42. Almost exactly 41. Government organization 40. Sanitary landfill 39. Alone together 38. Le ...
SOUTHERNISMS
A little Southern humor for all of us TRUE Southerners......and for those of you who can only WISH you were!! (just KIDDING!!)). Enjoy! Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. ...
This is logic in best form.... makes sense to me..
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards, NAIVE. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? OK...so if the Jacksonv ...
Things You'd Rather Not Hear During Surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor--we're going to need a mop. ""Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."" Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!! Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's th ...